guestblogger ira

(Ira håller en liten kurs i klippning vid en filmskola här i några veckor, och han skrev ett litet manus till sina elever som de ska spela in/klippa. Han publicerar det även här, då det visar att mina berättelser om katten inte är fantasier och falsarier. Intressant är också att vi - trots att jag trott motsatsen - uppfattar situationen precis likadant./gabriel)

Gabriel's despair; the result of living with a perpetually aroused cat, has been the subject of many of my works. I find the resulting mood swings and fruitless acts of aggression fascinating... and quite humorous. The disgust combined with feelings of hopelessness and rage that my cat seems to elicit in Gabe have actually staved off any attempt on my part to actually have her "fixed." I hope you enjoy the following skit as much as I enjoy torturing my crappy roommate.

Enjoy,
-Ira

DENIAL

by Ira Blanchard

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING-- EVENING

We hear the frustrated cries of a CAT in heat

INT. APARTMENT KITCHEN -- CONT’D.

MARK and DAVE(both late 20’s) sit at the kitchen table. They eat in silence.

The CAT’s howls are now noticeably closer in proximity and every time we hear one, Mark cringes. Dave happily chews away, oblivious to the noise and the discomfort it causes in his friend.

After a particularly long and obnoxious scream from the CAT.

MARK
You’ve gotta do something about that cat.

DAVE
She’s not that loud... she’s not even really in heat right now.

MARK
(Incredulous)
C’mon- you must be joking...

The CAT screams

MARK (CONT’D.)
... I mean seriously Dave, listen to her!

The CAT screams

DAVE
(innocently)
... what?

MARK
What "what"!?

Dave shrugs

MARK
It’s not just the noise, ya know.

Mark calmly places his fork on his dish and leans in toward Dave.

The CAT screams

He whispers:

MARK
Last night I woke up suffocating due to the fact that she had decided to sit on my face. (BEAT.) And it was sexual!

The CAT screams

DAVE
You’re embellishing, she doesn’t do that...

MARK
No! Not to you! (BEAT.) Because you're her “father,” but if you ask anyone else who’s been unfortunate enough to spend a night here since that cat hit puberty, they’ll all tell you without fail that she is a feline dominatrix of the worst variety.

The CAT screams

Dave rolls his eyes toward the ceiling

The CAT screams

Mark removes himself from the table and after a brief delay, returns with a shoping bag full of papers and pamphlets.

The CAT screams

MARK
(pathetically)
Get her fixed! I’m begging you, I’ll pay the cab fair, I have the names of several veterinarian’s nearby and a list of spay neuter clinics...

The CAT screams

Mark rifles through the bag holding up handfuls of pages with notes numbers, and photographs depicting cute looking puppies and cats.

Dave has stops eating to inspect a loose pamphlet.

The CAT screams

MARK
It doesn’t cost that much,please, just get her fixed before I accidentally impregnate her in my sleep.

After a long pause.

DAVE
I’ll think about it